*Brittany always writes so well and puts everything together in a beautiful way. And she is correct you do have a lot of time to think even when not wanted while sitting in a car and music can’t always keep your mind off things, and often times it reminds you of things that only cause you pain. We’ve had that kind of day. Brittany didn’t say why she had the blues and I suppose that’s her business to say. But I can say I knew how she was feeling we already went through similar blues with our Papa. And this cosmic twin like thing we have is totally legit. She was down and it only lead to me thinking about the things that are only causing me a lot of pain but can’t seem to let go of and make me cry every time. Hoping that garth brooks was right when he sang “some of god’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers” because sometimes I really feel like he has disowned me. But I keep hoping everyone is right that everything does happen for a reason and time heals all wounds, but the increasing amount of time it is taking this wound to heal is getting ridiculous. Perhaps though that is not his fault but mine.
I have been reading a lot of self help books. Yeah self help books Sound corny and “shut the front door” right, I’m reading and enjoying it. It’s bibliotherapy. It’s a real practice look it up.And with what I’ve read so far and experienced so far on this trip lead me to a lot of that thinking B was talking about earlier.
I have learned a few things, first that Brittany likes to make her own lyrics up to songs sometimes and it’s a treat. I learned that her and I are a lot more alike than we think in a lot of ways but yet so different but that’s what makes our relationship so special. I learned more accurately that our thought processes are frequently the same and thought in tandum. This in turn has lead to me realizing that if I posses any of B’s qualities especially her intelligence I’m smarter and more capable than I thought. That’s really soothing and esteem boosting for me. Even though she is younger I admire her and look up to her and I rely on her, but believe me if you take care of me I take care of you and our support of each other is equal. (at least I hope so I don’t want to let her down). I have realized that people suffer in different ways in life some have externally awful circumstances and turmoil while others struggle desperately on the inside. Neither is more or less important, more or less debilitating, and no harder or easier than the other. Both take strength to over come and happen in there own time or it may be a lifelong battle. I assure I want to live this life I have been given. I think it sad and a shame if these 27 years was my life. I haven’t found my place in this world yet. I haven’t explored all there is to explore. I haven’t found a love that has loved me back. I haven’t created any type of legacy or accomplished anything of significance in my eyes. I haven’t made my mark. I want to make one! I thought I had lost myself but when I look at the last 2 weeks and the adventures we’ve had and the moments where I let go of those things that have been killing me inside, I realized I’ve always know who I am I just haven’t challenged myself. Ive sat idley by hoping a magic answer will pop out of my computer or that it will just happen. I do have to work for what I want and not take no for an answer, and participate in my life. I never lost the person I am. The girl who forgets all her troubles when she sees an animal on the side or the road or in pursuit of a picture of one. That forgets her troubles in climbing a mountain and trying to figure out how to give someone something they want. I’m thill the girl who can get lost in art and wants to learn how to do all the mediums of art. Who sees something and says I can do that. The one who hates to be alone and loves the comfortable silence you can have with a person that’s when we connect the most. It says a lot to be comfortable in silence! I still want my farm and love to fish and won’t shoot an animal but I will eat it. Love all the dorkiest things in nature possibly and am happiest when in the company of animals. I could sit for hours waiting to spot a snow leopard on a mountain to get a great picture and just observe. I’d be scared shittless but I’m the girl who would take a bullet for someone she loves, who sees the good in everyone even if they don’t desrve it, who loves unconditionally and will love you forever even if we grow apart. I am that beautiful contradiction in everyway. ‘m complex and deep but simple and transparent at the same time. I am sensitive and empathetic and compassionate and say I don’t like old people because I don’t to get to know them and then they die and leave me, it’s not because I’m heartless it’s because my heart is so big it feels the slightest scratch. I act tough to try and protect myself because it doesn’t take much to wound me. I know exactly who I am and always have I just need to figure out what I want how to get it and belive in myself, challenge myself, and as Jennifer Nettles sings “sometimes you gotta loose till you win” I have to keep getting up like I always do but then I need to push back! And with Brittany singing another Sugarland favorite “I will shine the light” along with all the other people who love me, my family imparticular…I will get there. I have to but one day at a time.
Some less serious things I have learned are as follows. Don’t lie to Canadian border control. Make sure the parks officers aren’t around when you stick yourself out a sunroof. The tom tom is usually correct as we are experiencing at the moment on narrow winding roads through the BC cascade mountains, you are right tomalina we should have taken hwy 1 instead of 99 (this is reminding me of a brilliant idea to take this short cut with my grams in new mexico on the way to Arizona…not really faster or shorter). Brittany likes to call things that are set in stone what they are called different things. Like the shrubs that look like broccoli, a humback whale looks like a cucumber (she is making up her own lyrics to backstreet boys “I want you back” as we speak J) there was another one I can’t think of at the moment. Brittany likes to tell me what cloud shadows on the mountain look like. For instance so far weve had a cowboy head with a hat, a bird, and best of all a bat signal! When you live in the middle of nowhere you pass the time by using road signs as targets. There are a lot of ancient gas pumps in Canada. Also the Canadians really believe in the prepay. It is difficult making sandwiches in the car when B is driving. I need to go back to Alaska for at least 3 weeks to see all it has to offer, hi polar bears can’t check that one off my list yet. The animals signs are hilarious! After 1km you wont have to worry about deer . did you know that? There is no chance of deer after the allotted distance. That goes for moose, bison, caribou, elk also. And as I already told you the shape of the same animal changes each time, oh and apparently there is a particular places where badgers cross the road. Who knew? I know there is more that I forgot, big surprise, but I’m sure you’ll hear it later.
Well I should go because im getting car sick on this winding road in the death raod we are on at the moment. Don’t worry we’ll be just find just another fork in the road of this tremendous journey. We will safely land in Vancouver this evening I promise.
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